It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
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