connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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