You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
