the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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