Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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