I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
