My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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