last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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