He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
