If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
