end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Randomize
