i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
