He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
