Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
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