Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
