there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
