Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
