i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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