I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
