Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
