I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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