Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
