im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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