my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
my being single is dangerous.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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