Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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