you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
