You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
