The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
