His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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