i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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