dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
