dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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