Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize