mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
