oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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