ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
