The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
