i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
