I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
