so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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