i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
