I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Randomize
