oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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