Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize