birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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