Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
