she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
