I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
