Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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