How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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