Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
