Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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