he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
