I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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