You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
