O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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