Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize