I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
