Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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