My underwear smells like fireworks.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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