You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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