Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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