i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
