how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
