Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
