3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
I think I won the penis lottery.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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