I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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