Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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