my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
