that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
