My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
