If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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